She told me she was once so strong,  and now struggles on how best to begin an inner cleansing of her soul. Thankfully she recognizes the (desperate) need. For herself, but especially for all those that have not been deterred in our love and compassion while we all navigate her struggles.

“When you speak of solitude, it is very different to have a day on your own, then totally be alone.  Everyone says to me I do things on my own, but in reality, that is not the same as being totally, totally alone.” She sounds lucid and rational, but her tangents get quite ugly, defensive, and finally venomous. It’s hard to set aside and maintain the needed connection. Sickness acknowledged; it’s fucking brutal! And not grounded in our collective reality.

“Your brain fires off a million thoughts at once – it can be overwhelming. Not a bad thing – I encourage you harness that energy and channel it into something special – like a book. But be cognizant that for me – it can be too much at times. Again – not malicious – I just can’t respond to endless questions and thoughts. Do In parcels. And take breaks. Otherwise, you chase away.”

Silence.

“And no need to dissect every word or emoji. There’s no hidden meanings or intentions. I sense you need more discussions with your therapist. I do as well. We both have sicknesses. Nothing to be ashamed of. It’s science. It’s not physical like cancer but still has the ability to affect us physically.”

Silence.

“Emotions are vital to our health, too. We have a disease. It’s like alcoholism or an obsessive gambler. Takes over our mind and in a sense – our body. It’s depression, or paranoia, or whatever. It’s real to us but maybe not as real in the world as we make it to be. As I said before – people are NOT thinking about us as much as we think they are. That’s a manifestation of the disease. We need to concentrate our energies on that which makes us feel good and that which we do embrace on planet earth while we are here. That doesn’t mean we can say or do whatever we want. We need to be respectful of others thoughts and boundaries. It’s how we gain their respect and open doors to them. If you elevate yourself to such a height and expect others to recognize your amazingness, and if not – we attack them – in the end – we lose. We need to exercise compassion – even when we don’t necessarily agree – in that moment. Empathy and humility is key to better relations and more fruitful relations with those you want to love.”

We haven’t spoken since.