it was a summer school biology class and
I had just turned 14
puberty was arriving late so
still chubby, short, and relatively hairless
where it mattered, anyway
never showered after gym class
too embarrassing

easy prey

on far too many levels

we dissected a frog
essence of formaldehyde seemed worse than
the actual act itself and
touching the organs

dry heaves for

the wrong reasons

the two pretty popular girls

sat across from me
although one had bad skin

cool by default in

having good friend connects
they laughed a lot

but still did their assignments

really well, too

a loudmouth wanna be
always looking to Impress
which he did by spilling
some guts on my notebook
while I went to the bathroom
everyone laughed upon my return
Including the two pretties
So funny
I moved to another station and
finished the remainder of the summer
in silence and solitude

I got a B

mom and dad were content

sophomore year an obese classmate held
a knife to my neck

in the locker room after gym
demanded I open the locker and
give him my money

or else
I had none but still refused

bravely stood my ground
his breath was acrid and his
musk was sour

fat guys sweat a lot
everyone continued dressing as if
this assault was nothing new
or not their business

just didn’t care

especially about me

he angrily told me I would get mine
after school
walking home for weeks was terrifying
different avenues each day
I finally saw him as I was sneaking
out a janitor’s entrance
he came right towards me as
I kept my head low
still snuck a quick peek as
our eyes finally met
surprisingly he looked right through me
as if we’d never met
as if his threats were a daily occurrence
with all the meek ones

there were more

living our lives in fear

and self-loathing
projecting vulnerability and weakness

the loser class

praying to expedite graduation

and leave that building

that horrible existence

forever

several years pass and I believe
this life of mine is seemingly
normal and even perhaps blessed

with a loving family

until the recent news
the dreaded diagnosis
a change in life and future
resting on science and percentages
based on others’ lives and experiences
while mortality hangs in the balance
options are presented and
all have merit, yet all
present life changes and risks
quality of life as

medical professionals often say

reflections fill my days
regrets are gradually fewer
it’s all about my reconciliation of histories
now ultimate acceptance

of the past remaining in the past

however challenging and

sometimes futile

the initial shock will dissipate
into a peaceful plan of
acknowledgement for what’s to come
what’s to overcome

my beauty and benevolence to follow