Mortality

  Each subsequent visit reminded me of all that was lost – never to be recovered. At first, I comfortably succumbed to denial as she had always demonstrated remarkable strength and resilience. But the memory losses deepened, and she slowly dissolved inward; a dimming flame of her former brilliant light. My elder sister always likened her to a conniving snake for which I never agreed. But perhaps like a snake she was slowly shedding both physical and psychological layers of her former self.

When we spoke, she barely acknowledged my words although she occasionally looked directly into my eyes, desperately searching for meaning. Regardless – those soulful searches would just as often dissipate and travel beyond me into a realm I desperately wanted to know. Yet was still deprived of its spiritual key.

Yesterday she asked me if Daddy had died. It had been over 15 years since my father had passed and I quietly replied that he had but said no more. She nodded and remarked that she had thought so. Then chewed on her own acknowledgement. Did she recognize her fate and had she begun reconciling her own rather long life that would soon end? What peace could she settle upon, and was her lifelong spiritual guide a factor?

I began to make my own peace with her impending departure. And hated myself for harboring such thoughts. Still, I defended my internal debate by envisioning my own demise. Alone in a home for the aged, quietly watching television each day anxiously awaiting someone wheeling me to the dining room for lunch or dinner. Celebrating holidays to maintain a sense of time and what I hoped my faculties could confidently remember. How often would my daughter come visit and would she too be anxious to leave?

Perhaps dementia is a gift. Let us thoughtful and still vital mortals debate our physical, spiritual, and existential meaning while we can. And undoubtedly suffer throughout by never realizing (or accepting) the answers we seek.  Let us better drown in hollow and vacuous self-absorption. The full circle of a life once lived.