It’s crazy how Herbie always comes to mind when grappling with my mortality. Yet here I was in the hospital bed surrounded by the absolute loves of my life, thankfully feeling no pain, however temporary. My mind was drifting and I traveled to that day in the home where I was allowed to say goodbye to his lifeless body. No matter the situation he always seemed to project peace and calm. He internalized a lot, obviously passing this gene onto yours truly. Still, I kissed him and told him yet again how much I loved him. One last glance before I quietly left the room to join the others.

It was time as I could feel varied engines slowly shutting down. However many times I envisioned this last dance before finally uttering the final goodbye, this now seemed rather anticlimactic. The rain king takes his last bow without much fanfare – just as planned. Undoubtedly unsure what was to come on this last breath – I surveyed the room as best I could, filing my vision of my beloved girls into my mental hard drive, naive of whether these folders would come with?

And then it ended. Painlessly and without challenge. I felt so light,  and yet majestic. I levitated above myself in bed, looking down at my physical remains, obscured partially by my two sweet angels, sharing their love and tears. As I’d already made peace with my journey’s end. I wasn’t happy, but neither was I overcome with sadness. Would I enter a new dimension or would I, in a moment, descend into an eternal sleep similar to those endless insects plastered to my bumper and headlights? Do the supposed evolved species get a renewed existence, while the other less worthy inhabitants become relegated to dust?

My answer was swift, at least temporarily. I had no tactile sense of touch, but I felt I could fly. And I could see and hear. And I sensed it was time to explore or better understand what truly was happening to me. By sheer curiosity combined with a definitive will I left the hospital room and sped through the hallways freely and completely unnoticed. I contemplated witnessing surgery or two but then thought better as I could always return. Right? Maybe? A question for another time and visit as I  passed through doorways and finally found myself outside. There was a slight drizzle, but I could not feel the wet or dampness. I directed my hollow gaze upward and began to fly.

I’m sure all of us have felt that sensation while staring at falling snowflakes in streetlamps at night. Similarly, the raindrops gave an illusion of flying upwards. Until I recognized that was exactly what I was genuinely experiencing. Yet no pinpricks of water slapping my face. No need to squint. It just was. The buildings, cars, and folks below me were all getting smaller each moment as I progressed further. I was supposed to be grieving, feeling sorry for myself, yet I was invigorated. I had already made peace with the grim reaper and put that behind me. I was crossing this unknown threshold and for first impressions – this feeling was totally amazing. Like a tantric orgasm that refused to end. Hah!

Up, up, higher and faster, I felt like I could will myself – whatever I now was – in boundless directions. I swept myself through clouds at what I imagined were lightning speeds, and within moments – crossing into what I perceived as space. It was night that surrounded me, yet the atmosphere was illuminated by thousands of stars as well as other souls like mine, whisking by me in both directions, yet seemingly oblivious to my presence. This was the ultimate Tony Oursler installation! Look him up, bitches – it’s my best visual for all I saw and felt. Yet somehow, we all must dissipate once crossing that threshold back on earth. Back with my family and my people. My peeps.

I stopped my projection and remained still while taking in the light show and activity throughout my periphery. There truly was no end to the universe, and I was a mere pinprick within its majesty. I looked down at planet Earth, also recognizing how minuscule and in a sense, meaningless within the grand scheme, and dare I say – the master plan.

My life certainly had meaning; my wife, daughter, our inner circle brought me great joy, love, and sustenance. But here as I looked down at that so familiar sphere –  I recognized how truly trivial my challenges may have been. If earth was the size of a basketball to the giant Jack of beanstalk fame within the universe – what value did I really bring to the cosmos?

In the infamous land of the living we often wonder about the existence of God or a higher source. And think of ghosts followed by questions of whether Aunt Sally truly visited us last night in my dreams, or who opened that window; I think Papa is trying to communicate with me. And maybe he is. But know this – Papa is tremendously distracted. He still loves you but his passing presented a new journey of sorts within his perception of life. One which I have now a full understanding. I’m not ignoring you. I’m simply looking to discover my own new meaning. This next stage of my life.

Trust me, it’s a mind fuck in a literal earthy sense and would take time to fully digest (hah!).  And Tralfamadore seemed like the best place to begin my thoughtful and existential investigation. The great question now was who do I ask for directions? But please know – I’ll be back!